By Dan Morrison
Boris Johnson has exploded halfway through a campaign speech in Guildford.
During the typically low-key and melodramatic affair, the Mayor of London suddenly combusted.
The combustion occurred as he reaffirmed his opposition to remaining in the EU, saying “uoh uhh ahhh ohh” and flailing wildly, before his blonde mop of hair flew off and his organs were scattered across the room.
Up until then, it had been rather understated, even for Mr Johnson; he described how the EU’s Common Agricultural Policy and the Crusades are ‘inextricably linked’: “As an institution, they are one and the same, there is no doubt about that.”
He further dispelled fears spread by Remain campaign’s scaremongering, saying that “Brexit probably would not affect the moon.”
Following his explosion, aides would not comment on whether he would continue campaigning or on any potential Tory leadership bid, but said that there was “no doubt that Boris will be back stronger than ever. After an illustrious career as a shamelessly opportunistic politician [sic], he is still viewed as a man of rigorous integrity.”
Organisers of the event were forced to postpone a proposed game of flip cup between teams led by Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, a tie that would set up a finale with George Galloway playing on his own.
*Arguably none of this is remotely true*